The New Sexual Mantra: Desire/Pleasure/Eroticism/Satisfaction

Part 1: Desire/Pleasure

Sexuality has a 15-20 per cent role of energising the relationship and reinforcing feelings of desire and desirability. Couple sex therapy aims to restore sexuality to the 15-20 per cent positive role of sharing pleasure, reinforcing intimacy and sexuality. It’s proven that the closer, more communicative, more intimate the relationship, the better the sex. 

As per London Cancer, Psychosexual therapy is the application of psychology to the realm of human sexuality, using a bio-psycho-social approach. 

Before talking about psychosexual therapy, it is imperial to talk about sex therapy’s history and evolution. In his book Sex Made Simple, Barry McCarthy infers that the profession of sex therapy has been established for less than 50 years. He warns that the field of sex therapy is influenced by two concepts: First, sexuality is a couple issue requiring comprehensive assessment and treatment of biological, psychological and relational components. Second, the use of psychosexual skill exercises in the privacy of the couple’s home.

Psychosexual therapy begins with an initial conversation with an individual or couple about their sexuality related difficulty, which may be regarding sexual or gender identity, sexual orientation, sexual functioning, disability or illness. During this process, the therapist will develop with the client(s) a shared understanding of what factors have contributed to the development and maintenance of the sexual difficulties, and this will highlight areas to focus on in on-going therapy as well as exercises for the person(s) to do at home.

An article released by Counselling Directory informs that the aim of sex therapy is to help people improve their physical intimacy and overcome or manage any sexual difficulties they are having. 

Sex is not static, but flexible, variable and complex. Barry McCarthy infers that the new mantra recognizes that sexuality includes intercourse, but is much more than intercourse. The most important dimension is desire. On the other side, it’s been made clear that individuals and couples pursue the factors of desire and satisfaction in every sex activity. Nevertheless, the fourfold concept desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction requires careful examination, assessment, and interventions with special attention to cultural and value issues (Barry McCarthy & Lana M. Wald, 2012). 

1. DESIRE

Desire is about feeling open to giving and receiving touch and looking forward to a sexual experience. In terms of relational satisfaction and security, desire is the crucial dimension. It’s all about vital and energizing sexuality, not mechanical, routine sex. The same author emphasises that sexual desire is about openness and cooperation. Sexual desire must not be manipulated, begged or demanded. Desire must be based on a positive influence process or sharing between partners. This means understanding each other’s feelings and wants. Sexual desire must be based on one’s freedom to say yes or no to sex. 

It’s been medically proven that orgasm is integral to sexual function. But the most important dimension is desire. Desire brings desirability in the couple’s blossoming sexual life. Desire is vital to healthy couple sexuality. Desire is the problem which brings couples to therapy and the factor which most negatively impacts relationships (Leiblum, 2010).

Psychobiosocial factors such as sexual trauma history, anxiety, fear, anorgasmia, phobia, painful intercourse, erectile dysfunction, vaginismus, dyspareunia and lack of communication can lead to the lack of desire in a couple. Sex becomes very difficult, challenging and impossible.

An active and satisfying sexual life is widely regarded not only as desirable but as a sign of emotional and physical health. When desire ebbs, intimate connection seems to diminish as well.

The same author pursues that other conditions may be responsible for diminished sexual desire, for example diabetes, metabolic syndrome or a host of medications. 

Research studies have found that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men report ISD. Women are often unfairly blamed for sexual difficulties. In reality, when partners stop being sexual, it’s primarily because the man has lost confidence in predictable erection, intercourse and orgasm. The extreme of desire problem is the no-sex marriage. This happens when partners fall into a cycle of anticipatory anxiety, performance-oriented sex with intercourse as a pass-fail test and eventually sex avoidance. 

This attitude makes sex become more of a problem than a pleasure. In this stage, many couples fall into the pattern of a no-sex marriage after losing sexual desire. By doing so, they can have sex less than 10 times a year, while others can experience low-sex marriage with less than 25 times a year. This cycle gets hard to be broken. This brings blames, accusations and suspicions. The cure to this is a renewal of intimacy and erotic scenarios, alongside with behavioural health habits: healthy sleep, exercise and eating patterns. Positive behavioural health patterns promote sexual desire.

2. PLEASURE

Pleasure is a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment. The feeling of pleasure in sexual intercourse demonstrates doubtlessly that desire has bared its fruits which lead to plain enjoyment in the couple’s mind and bodies. 

The essence of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching. Pleasure facilitates healthy sexuality while performance subverts sexuality, especially desire. Pleasure is a core dimension of healthy couple sexuality. Pleasure is a bridge linking arousal and intercourse (Barry McCarthy, 2015). In the ancient days, it was believed that the dangerous forces of a blossoming sexual life by women could destroy a civilization. That’s why women were expected to have no sexual drive and pleasure during sex was kept at a minimum. However, because of the difference between orgasm in men and women, partners need to learn one another’s basic facts about orgasm. This involves learning what goes on in each other’s mind and body. 

The most important sex organ a human being has is the mind. Pleasure in sex is inseparable from the humans’ emotional reaction (Kosinski, 2012). A person who thinks they’re loved and desired actually feels more pleasure that one who’s uncertain about their partner’s affection. 

Desire and pleasure walk and work hand-to-hand for a successful sexual experience. But some ethnic and social groups hold traditional attitudes whereby men prefer women with less sexual experience. And many Latinos may disapprove of a female partner who shows pleasure during sex (Knowles, 2019). There are also beliefs that women get more pleasure in sex than men, that’s why they scream more than men during the intercourse. They scream for pleasure than what they do during childbirth. 

Unfortunately, there are also various psycho-social factors which can be an obstruction to a genuine experience during sex. Below are listed a number of them: 

· Anxiety 

· Stress 

· Relationship issues

· Post-Traumatic Stress

· Depression

· Nightmares

· Panic attacks

· Obsessions

· Compulsions

· Self-Hatred

· Low self-esteem

For that sake, psychosexual therapists need to evaluate the integrated “whole person,” with both the mind and the body together as interconnected entities, recognizing biological, psychological, and social components of pain and illness of their clients.